INT. MIKE AND JACK’S APARTMENT. THE OFFICE. MORNING.
JACK and MIKE are working at their computers. They are both deep in thought.
JACK
How’s work going?
MIKE
I’m just finishing up this quiz I’ve
prepared for them on the economics
of cardboard.
JACK
You’ll have to fill me in sometime.
Something every redblooded American
should know.
MIKE
How about you?
JACK
I’m working on a hot story
involving the President and the
Prime Minister of Canada. They
are in Reykjavik working on an
arms treaty with South American
countries. The two first ladies
have just broken into a bottle of
brandy.
MIKE
Things are about to get wild.
MIKE
Hello? Yeah, this is Mike
speaking. Really? Really?! I
think that would work out well.
How about Monday night at 8:30?
Great! We really appreciate this,
and we look forward to meeting her.
Uh huh. Of course!!! Okay, yep,
we can definitely do that. Wait,
she wants us to . . . oh, okay then.
Let me just get a pen.
MIKE (cont.)
Mmm-hmm. Okay. I think I’ve got it.
Thank you so much Mr. Harris. We’ll
be in touch. Good-bye.
JACK
Who was that?
MIKE
We got her on the show!
JACK
Who?
MIKE
Melinski.
JACK
Are you kidding me?
MIKE
No, that was a Mr. Harris. He’s a
representative of the Melinski
Family. He said Ms. Melinski is a
fan of the show and would love to
be on.
JACK
Does this seem weird to you?
MIKE
It just seems like a dream.
JACK
Yeah, it’s bizarre. I still sort
of feel like the whole thing is a
hoax.
MIKE
Our Hugh Grant moment.
JACK
What?
MIKE
Jay Leno had Hugh Grant on after he
picked up that prostitute. After
that, Jay’s ratings were forever
higher than Letterman’s.
JACK
Wait, you’re out of bounds. There
are no hookers involved in this,
and we don’t really have a
Letterman . . . . We don’t have any
competition on public access. Well,
except for those bigots with a gun
show.
MIKE
Right. It really wouldn’t hurt if
we had prostitutes involved though.
JACK
Dude, we are way off topic here.
So what else did Mr. Harris say?
MIKE
He is going to release a press
statement to all the local media
outlets that the proposals should
be sent to us. Then we have to
pass along the proposals so the
heiress can review them.
JACK
Are we allowed to look at the
proposals?
MIKE
Yeah, he said the Heiress would
like a summary of our thoughts
before the show, and that she would
discuss the most exciting proposals
with us. It’s her decision, but
she’ll listen to our opinions.
This is a dream, Jack.
JACK
Unbelievable.
MIKE
This will change us forever.
MIKE (cont.)
Hey, I think it’s time for Days.
JACK
Man, how can you watch this every day?
MIKE
It’s like crack. For my mind.
JACK
It’s like crap for your mind is
more like it. I need a beer.
JACK (cont.)
I don’t know how any self-respecting
writer could attach their name to
this shit.
MIKE
Oh man, these commercials are so
targeted for women. It’s always
tampon this or maxipad that. Guys
watch this stuff, too.
JACK
Yeah, guys.
MIKE
What kind of tampon would you use,
if you were a chick?
JACK
Dude, I don’t know. Save it for the
show. It’s like that time you
asked me about--
MIKE
Shhhhhhhhh! They’re having a news
break about the Heiress.
ANCHOR 1
And this just in to the Channel
20 studio. Heiress Melinski, heir
to the Crème de le Mel Doughnut empire,
has agreed to appear on the, let me
read this right, Just Two Dudes Show
where she will discuss the nominees
and announce the recipient of the 10
million dollars. Hal, this is an
interesting turn of events in an
already exciting story.
ANCHOR 2
Wow, I agree. We’ll keep you updated
on any new developments as they
happen. Now let’s go the weather.
Gus?’”
JACK
Holy Shit! Mike come here.
JACK
You will not believe this!
MIKE
What?! I’m trying to get my flex
on!
JACK
Our blog has been blowing up with
comments since that announcement
this afternoon.
MIKE
Anything good?
JACK
Mostly the usual. “You guys are so
lame . . .”
MIKE
They love us.
JACK
Or “Keep up the good work.” You
know, that kind of shit.
MIKE
But?
JACK
Well, there’s one messsage that
stands out to me.
MIKE
What is it?
JACK
Someone posted a comment requesting
us to meet them at the 3rd level of
the Hilton parking garage tonight
at 10:15 for a special meeting.
MIKE
What?! Who is it?
How’s work going?
MIKE
I’m just finishing up this quiz I’ve
prepared for them on the economics
of cardboard.
JACK
You’ll have to fill me in sometime.
Something every redblooded American
should know.
MIKE
How about you?
JACK
I’m working on a hot story
involving the President and the
Prime Minister of Canada. They
are in Reykjavik working on an
arms treaty with South American
countries. The two first ladies
have just broken into a bottle of
brandy.
MIKE
Things are about to get wild.
The telephone rings. MIKE answers.
MIKE
Hello? Yeah, this is Mike
speaking. Really? Really?! I
think that would work out well.
How about Monday night at 8:30?
Great! We really appreciate this,
and we look forward to meeting her.
Uh huh. Of course!!! Okay, yep,
we can definitely do that. Wait,
she wants us to . . . oh, okay then.
Let me just get a pen.
MIKE grabs a pen begins to scratch down notes.
MIKE (cont.)
Mmm-hmm. Okay. I think I’ve got it.
Thank you so much Mr. Harris. We’ll
be in touch. Good-bye.
MIKE hangs up the phone. He is very excited.
JACK
Who was that?
MIKE
We got her on the show!
JACK
Who?
MIKE
Melinski.
JACK
Are you kidding me?
MIKE
No, that was a Mr. Harris. He’s a
representative of the Melinski
Family. He said Ms. Melinski is a
fan of the show and would love to
be on.
JACK
Does this seem weird to you?
MIKE
It just seems like a dream.
JACK
Yeah, it’s bizarre. I still sort
of feel like the whole thing is a
hoax.
MIKE
Our Hugh Grant moment.
JACK
What?
MIKE
Jay Leno had Hugh Grant on after he
picked up that prostitute. After
that, Jay’s ratings were forever
higher than Letterman’s.
JACK
Wait, you’re out of bounds. There
are no hookers involved in this,
and we don’t really have a
Letterman . . . . We don’t have any
competition on public access. Well,
except for those bigots with a gun
show.
MIKE
Right. It really wouldn’t hurt if
we had prostitutes involved though.
JACK
Dude, we are way off topic here.
So what else did Mr. Harris say?
MIKE
He is going to release a press
statement to all the local media
outlets that the proposals should
be sent to us. Then we have to
pass along the proposals so the
heiress can review them.
JACK
Are we allowed to look at the
proposals?
MIKE
Yeah, he said the Heiress would
like a summary of our thoughts
before the show, and that she would
discuss the most exciting proposals
with us. It’s her decision, but
she’ll listen to our opinions.
This is a dream, Jack.
JACK
Unbelievable.
MIKE
This will change us forever.
MIKE turns on television.
MIKE (cont.)
Hey, I think it’s time for Days.
JACK
Man, how can you watch this every day?
MIKE
It’s like crack. For my mind.
JACK
It’s like crap for your mind is
more like it. I need a beer.
JACK gets up to get a beer.
JACK (cont.)
I don’t know how any self-respecting
writer could attach their name to
this shit.
MIKE
Oh man, these commercials are so
targeted for women. It’s always
tampon this or maxipad that. Guys
watch this stuff, too.
JACK
Yeah, guys.
MIKE
What kind of tampon would you use,
if you were a chick?
JACK
Dude, I don’t know. Save it for the
show. It’s like that time you
asked me about--
MIKE
Shhhhhhhhh! They’re having a news
break about the Heiress.
ANCHOR 1 and ANCHOR 2 can be clearly heard on the television.
ANCHOR 1
And this just in to the Channel
20 studio. Heiress Melinski, heir
to the Crème de le Mel Doughnut empire,
has agreed to appear on the, let me
read this right, Just Two Dudes Show
where she will discuss the nominees
and announce the recipient of the 10
million dollars. Hal, this is an
interesting turn of events in an
already exciting story.
ANCHOR 2
Wow, I agree. We’ll keep you updated
on any new developments as they
happen. Now let’s go the weather.
Gus?’”
EXT. MIKE AND JACK’S APARTMENT. AFTERNOON.
There is a car parked outside the apartment. Two men are in the car. Someone is still watching the Dudes.
INT. JACK AND MIKE’S APARTMENT. THE OFFICE. NIGHT.
JACK
Holy Shit! Mike come here.
MIKE rushes in wearing aerobics leotards.
JACK
You will not believe this!
MIKE
What?! I’m trying to get my flex
on!
JACK
Our blog has been blowing up with
comments since that announcement
this afternoon.
MIKE
Anything good?
JACK
Mostly the usual. “You guys are so
lame . . .”
MIKE
They love us.
JACK
Or “Keep up the good work.” You
know, that kind of shit.
MIKE
But?
JACK
Well, there’s one messsage that
stands out to me.
MIKE
What is it?
JACK
Someone posted a comment requesting
us to meet them at the 3rd level of
the Hilton parking garage tonight
at 10:15 for a special meeting.
MIKE
What?! Who is it?
1 comments:
That was riveting.
"It really wouldn’t hurt if
we had prostitutes involved though."
That sentiment could apply to so many areas of life.
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