Reflections

For some reason I've been thinking about this a lot lately. When I was in college, I couldn't afford college. So, I joined the National Guard. It was crazy and, looking back, I realize that it was really not the right place for me. If I had it to do over again, I would do just about anything instead of going into the Guard. No offense to the people who do it. We need you, and I applaud you for your dedication. I met some fine people in the Guard. It just wasn't the place for me, and it made my life very difficult.

Here are some things I've been reflecting on lately about my time in the Guard that make it seem truly strange to me. We truly live in an absurd world.

1. I remember when I arrived at Basic Training I thought it seemed like a mental institution with lots of running and pushups.
2. Looking back, I realize it was a lot more like a mental institution than I thought.
3. We were all terrified that the Victory punch was laced with saltpeter and that our junk would stop working.
4. We were wrong. Everyone's junk seemed to work just fine. People hooked up all over the place. In nasty back stairways, in tents, on dirty toilets, in the sand trap behind the barracks.
5. Once, a drill sergeant made us pee three at a time in a port-a-potty. I hope I never have to do that again.
6. One kid tried to eat floor wax one Sunday morning so they'd kick him out. They did kick him out. They also took away our floor wax and then punished us constantly because we could never get the floors shiny.
7. One Saturday night some of the guys got passes. This one dude managed to sneak off base and get rip-roaring drunk. When he got back in, he stopped at my bunk and woke me up. I told him to bugger off and go to bed. I fell asleep, and deep sleeper that I am, didn't notice that this cat passed out in the bunk next to me. The next morning, I woke up to a drill sergeant screaming, "What the hell's going on here privates?!"
8. Somebody used to think it was a good idea to poop on the floor in the middle of the bathroom. Drill sergeants really take kindly to that kind of habit.
9. The only time I ever ran and threw up was at basic training. I did it at least twice a week. I'd never done it before, and I've never done it since.